Please, let me fuck your mom
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
