According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
