I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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