I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
