Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
there's paper in my vomit.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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