There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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