I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
