Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
my poor anus
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
