well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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