True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
