Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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