I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize