does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
