ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
