If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
