I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
