We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
