The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize