if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
