I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Randomize
