This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
