Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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