we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
