there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
