So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Randomize
