Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
there's paper in my vomit.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
