I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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