when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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