Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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