1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
