i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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