The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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