I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize