I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
