forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
