She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
