1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
