**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Randomize
