i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
