Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
