I heard we made out
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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