Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
