my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
God gave him joint rollers for hands
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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