I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize