I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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