We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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