Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The beer is more important than you right now.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
