OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
