I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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