It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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