if i can run in heels then i can drive
This girl is more easily done than said...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
