hotel room ftw
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize