ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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