my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
