I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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