Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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