i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I wear drunk well.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
