totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
