they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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