You don't have asthma, your pregnant
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
