Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
