just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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