If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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