i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
