That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
