Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
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