I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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