Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
