feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize